Welcome back to the Shadow Work series. In today’s blog, we’re taking our exploration of the shadow into one of the most revealing arenas of our lives: our relationships. Your relationships are the biggest mirror for how you truly feel about yourself. While it’s easy to point a finger at the people who have hurt us, a more courageous and transformative practice is to look at the patterns that keep repeating and ask a powerful question about our own role.
Our journal prompt for today is: "What patterns keep repeating in my relationships? What role do I play in those patterns?"
Think about your history with romantic partners, close friends, or even professional colleagues. Do you find yourself repeatedly attracted to partners who are emotionally unavailable? Do you always seem to end up in friendships where you are the one giving more than you receive? Or perhaps you notice a recurring dynamic of conflict and reconciliation in many of your close bonds.
These aren't just unfortunate coincidences. They are often a direct result of our unconscious shadow. Our shadow contains not only the parts of ourselves we have disowned, but also the old wounds, fears, and unmet needs from our past. We unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror these inner dynamics, creating scenarios where we can either re-enact old traumas or try to finally get the love or validation we craved. These patterns are holding up a mirror to the unloved parts of ourselves that are longing to be healed.
For instance, if you grew up feeling like you had to earn love, you might find yourself in a relationship pattern where you are constantly trying to please a partner who remains distant. The pattern feels familiar, even though it's painful. Your shadow, in this case, is playing the role of the "pleaser," a part of you that believes your worth is tied to how much you can give to others.
The brave and liberating part of this work is to stop focusing on the other person and shine a light on your own role. Ask yourself:
- What's my recurring character in this drama? Am I the rescuer? The victim? The controller? The passive observer?
- What need am I trying to get met in this dynamic? Am I seeking validation, control, or perhaps even an excuse to avoid true intimacy?
- What part of me is drawn to this type of person or situation? Is it a part that feels most "at home" in this familiar pain?
By honestly answering these questions, you begin to see that the external pattern is a reflection of an internal one. You are not a passive bystander in your relationships; you are an active participant. In every aspect of your life, you are the common denominator. Recognizing this is the first step toward breaking the cycle.
This week, commit to observing your relationship dynamics with compassionate curiosity. It is not about self-blame, but about self-awareness. When you understand the role your shadow has been playing, you can consciously choose a new path. You can stop recreating old pain and start building relationships that are based on genuine connection and mutual respect. This is one of the most powerful and tangible benefits of shadow work: the ability to change your future by understanding your past.
If you want more tips and support, find me on TikTok, find me on TT:@ starseedsarah. Let's continue this journey to balance and purpose, and let our energy show what we choose to focus on – success, love & courage!
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