Welcome back to our Shadow Work series. We've talked about the masks we wear and the fears they hide. Today, we’re going to a deeper, more painful truth: the moments when we have consciously or unconsciously betrayed ourselves to gain approval from others. This act of self-betrayal is a core part of our shadow, a painful reminder of the times we chose to abandon our inner truth for the sake of acceptance.
Our journal prompt for today is: "When have I betrayed myself to gain approval from others?" If you don’t already have a journal, here is a fun one.
Think about a time when you said "yes" to something you really wanted to say "no" to. A time when you agreed with an opinion you didn't share just to fit in. A time when you downplayed your success to avoid making someone feel uncomfortable. These acts of self-betrayal, whether big or small, leave a lasting mark on our psyche.
The reason we do this is simple: at some point, we learned that our own needs, desires, and opinions were secondary to the approval of others. This is a survival strategy, often learned in childhood. If expressing your authentic self led to rejection or disapproval, your shadow learned to protect you by muting your voice. The pain of betraying yourself, while significant, felt safer than the pain of being rejected.
The problem is that this pattern of self-betrayal doesn't just hurt us in the moment; it creates a debt to ourselves. Every time we sacrifice our inner truth for external validation, we chip away at our self-trust and self-worth. It creates a deep sense of inauthenticity and a feeling that we are not living our own life. This can lead to resentment, both toward ourselves and toward the people we feel we have to please.
Shadow work helps us to shine a light on this pattern. It’s not about shaming ourselves for these past acts, but about understanding the "why" behind them. By asking yourself this question, you begin to see the cost of living for others' approval.
- It costs your authenticity: You're no longer showing up as your true self.
- It costs your energy: The mental and emotional toll of constantly managing others' perceptions is exhausting.
- It costs your self-trust: You teach yourself that you cannot be relied upon to protect your own needs.
The healing comes from acknowledging the self-betrayal and offering yourself compassion. You can say to that younger, wounded part of yourself, "I see you. I understand why you had to do that to be safe. But you don't have to do that anymore." This is the first step toward reclaiming your sovereignty and rebuilding a foundation of self-trust.
This week, commit to a powerful act of self-love: choose one small moment to honor your inner truth, even if it feels uncomfortable. It might be as simple as saying "no" to a request or expressing an honest opinion. Every small act of self-honoring is a step toward paying back the debt of self-betrayal and living a life that is truly your own. The book, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brené Brown would be a good read to go along with our work here on self-worthiness.
If you want more tips and support, find me on TikTok, find me on TT:@ starseedsarah. Let's continue this journey to balance and purpose, and let our energy show what we choose to focus on – success, love & courage!
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